GA: I got you a card for your birthday and I was gonna sign it and everything but I decided to leave it in the plastic just in case you didn’t like it and wanted to give it to someone else.
Dr. N: That tooth is a piece of crap. It’s just there to protect the molar.
VL: I think 1974 was the last time I had a pitcher of Schiltz.
JM: Everyone who works there is either on anti-anxiety meds or in affairs or drinks heavily or something. But, they’re all really good people.
RR: CF has a mobile hot spot right in his pocket, so I can be online if I follow him around.
CF: Whatever it takes.
KA (college age): I wish I was little again, when the music wasn’t all rap.
SM: You know what I gave up for lent?
TP: What?
SM: My New Year’s Resolutions.
My lord bless my boys for a good summer
— Ozzie Guillen tweet on White Sox opening day.
RR: All the healthy cereal I bought at Whole Foods is gone!
CF: Ya! I discovered it’s pretty good… after I pour some chocolate syrup on it.
TW: What are you looking for?
IK: Oh, just a prostate tape.
TW: Well, wear some gloves.