TECHNOLOGY
A Telemarketer's Lament
As one of the many people America loves to hate, I look at the do-not-call
list with mixed feelings. Telemarketing is, after all, my job -- and has been
for the last 16 years. It's not that I like bothering you at dinner. But those
are the hours I work. So be nice. You are my only human contact.
People seem to think all telemarketers are rude, disrespectful and arrogant. But here's an inside tip. If you are receiving a telemarketing call at home, you're dealing with the rookies in our league, first-timers, the lowest of the low, those minimum wagers who came to the job through the classifieds because the position was advertised in Big Type as a "name your own hours" project.
I'm a professional, and professionals like to be thought of as direct marketing specialists. We bring products you need to your doorstep. Our only problem is you don't know you need them until we call and explain why.
If I want to be successful, I don't just pick up the phone book and start dialing. Usually, the company I work for has what we call a "qualified list." That means I'm calling you because the company has determined that you are eligible to receive our product, and would probably benefit from it.
Our research shows that people at home, if they would only give us a chance to explain ourselves, are more than willing to participate in surveys, receive more information or even meet with one of our salesmen when they think they can benefit from the encounter. People are like that. Good eggs. For the most part. Unless you catch them at a bad time.
If you get out of sorts when you receive a call from a telemarketer, think about how I feel sitting around here in Nebraska, dialing for dollars and, nine times out of ten, getting an answering machine that tells me you're not in right now.
Well, where the hell are you? And why wasn't I invited? You think we're just hanging around here at the phone bank having a party, dialing out crank calls for the fun of it? I'm working, man. Why aren't you there to be worked on?
Okay, I admit not all our products are winners. That free vacation in Florida, if only you attend the condo sales seminar, is a scam. And not everyone really needs a free estimate for remodeling your kitchen. But if you do, aren't you glad I called? What were you going to do? Wait for the remodeling expert to come ring your doorbell?
The way I look at it, I'm saving you endless hours of indecision and procrastination. I'm opening your eyes to a whole new world out there, a world of opportunity -- savings on your telephone bill, health clubs that will revitalize your decrepid body and credit -- yes, credit you can turn into cost-free debt by purchasing our low-interest credit card.
I'm not a telemarketer, I'm a teleminister, bringing you the good word on products that will improve your life. If only you were open to improvement. And aren't we all, really, a little shy of perfect?
So maybe you don't trust me because you don't know me. I've got time. Ask me some questions. How are my kids? Fine, thank you. Johnnie just got his braces off and Ellen is the star forward on the girl's soccer team. I'm having some problems with my wife on the domestic front, but I don't want to go into that. You know how it is. How are you and your wife doing?
I'm hungry for human contact, I admit it, and if telling you about the new two-for-one special down at the car wash is the only way we can connect, so what? You need a car wash. You know it. You've just been putting it off. So I'm doing you a favor, buddy, kick starting you out of lethargy. Don't get snippy with me. You want I should just let you wallow in your own indolence?
You may think adding your name to the Do Not Call list was a way to insure your privacy. Well, you're wrong. It was just a way of putting a big black sign on your forehead that says "Loser!"
If you don't want me to call you, who do you want to call? Your kids, your friends, your clients? Make a wish. Nobody really wants to talk to me or you.
Frankly, you're not much of a conversationalist -- especially
on the phone.
I've called thousands of people and I'm here to tell you less than an handful
have good manners on the phone. Half of you chew your food while you are talking.
Almost all of you answer the phone by saying," Hello" -- like it's
all on me to get the conversation going.
I'm calling you because I think you and I have something in common. We're bored with our lives. We need to get together around a new project -- like a subscription series to the opera.
So the next time I call, don't hang up. Grab a cool one and let's chat. It will only make you a better person.