By Stump Connolly

    When a new president comes into office, it’s traditional for the old president to leave him a note in the Resolute desk. Barack Obama’s read, “We are just temporary occupants of this office. It’s up to us to leave the instruments of this democracy at least as strong as we found them.”

    President Trump’s was a little less formal.

   Sleepy Joe —

   You don’t deserve this, but Ivanka says I have to write one of these for my legacy.

   So here are a few tips.

– Garbage pick-up is Wednesdays. They take the recyclables on Thursday, but we don’t do that. It’s just another Save The Planet Hoax. TOTAL WASTE OF TIME.

– Melania’s Christmas decorations are in the basement. You know, the ones that made it look like the Addams Family lived here. You can toss them. I never liked them anyway.

– The Webster Guide to Misspelling is in the upper left desk drawer. Now that they took away my Twitter, I don’t need it. BUT I’M TAKING ALL THE CAPITAL LETTERS.

– And all 33,000 of Hillary’s emails are in a box in the closet. I had them all along. I was just messing with her.

– Mike Pence used to like to come in sometimes and sit in the foyer in case I needed him. That’s why he’s in so many pictures. He’ll be back. He has nothing else to do.

– And speaking of no-accounts. Don’t fix up the press room. Those guys treat it like it’s their own little clubhouse. AND THEY’RE SLOBS! The hand sanitizer is on the left when you go in.

– I rewired the Kremlin hotline to go straight to the pro shop at Bedford. I didn’t need it. I have Putin’s cell. (And no, you can’t have the number.) If you ever want a tee time, they can fit you in. So have a round on me. But remember to rake the traps!

– Good luck. You’ll need it. This country is a mess.


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